Hello Rad Dad Supporters! Rad Dad is growing up! And I need your help to make it successful. Along with Hip Mama, Rad Dad is going to redesign its look to better reach more and more people!
Please consider getting a subscription, back issues, joint subscriptions to Hip Mama and Rad Dad, signed books, even a Rad Dad t-shirt or tote bag!
Please help spread the news: post it, share it, blog about it, twitter it, mail people about it. I'm excited to see what will happen and I promise to keep Rad Dad "rad" as in "radical" and not "rad" as in "can we sell you something!"
Rad Dad 22 and 23: the last two issues of the zine
I'm pleased to announce that you can now purchase all Rad Dad books and zines on this site and, if you do it now, I can email them out in time for Father's Day (which as we all know is everyday...).
The other day I
found myself exclaiming to my two daughters, sixteen and fourteen respectively,
don’t have sex until you’re in your twenties, but here are some condoms.
I’m not sure if
there is a better example of sending a mixed message.
I should
explain.The other night I
discovered my oldest daughter had spent the night with her boyfriend.
Now, I have
consistently brought up sex with them and with their older brother who now
lives on his own with a gaggle of twenty something young men in West
Oakland.And I have consistently
been rebuffed, scoffed at, silenced by their stares, punctuated with a rolling
of the eyes or a sigh of exhaustion.
‘Dad, please…..’
But I don’t let
it stop me.I know I’m not someone
they want to confide in, and I actually cringe thinking about it if they
did.But I want to approach the
discussion of their bodies, their rights, sex in general differently than the
terse warning I received from my father to keep my dick in my pants or the
silence around the subject from my mother.
There is nothing
wrong with sex; it’s powerful and beautiful and a profound ritual of entering
adulthood.
Clearly, it’s
also something they see all around them so to pretend they aren’t aware of it,
even that they don’t have opportunities to engage in it, would be blatant
denial.
And parenting by
denial is never a good approach to raising children.
However, even
though I broach the subject any chance I get, we don’t actually talk as
directly as I’d like.And that’s
why I know I need help, from other adults in our lives to examples of people or
movements reclaiming the body, offering other ways to view sex, that might empower
young women.
Sadly, there’s
not a lot out there for them; besides a few adult women in their lives that
they can turn to in need, there is almost nothing in mainstream society that
speaks to young women about their growth and desires in sex positive, yet
realistic and honest ways.
So I find myself
saying things like, I don’t think you should have sex until you’re older;
however, here are condoms
But now I also
add every chance I get, and remember…
Remember…
Please, remember…
…you can always
stop, you can always say no, even after you’re in the car, in the room, out of
your clothes, in the bed.
No means no.
Stop means stop.
In an attempt to
provide those positive examples of body ownership and empowerment, I searched
out zines about self--defense, about sexual abuse, about sex positive
experiences, things written by other young women.
And then, I
rediscovered Riot Grrrl.The
ferocity, the anger, the arrogance.There is one image of a group of young women holding hands, one without
clothes, across her chest and belly black marker declares: Every Girl is a Riot
Grrrl.
I played as
often as they’d let me Bikini Kill and other female bands as we would make
dinner or do our chores.
Maybe the
mantra: ‘who needs a boyfriend, when you gotta band,’ will seep in.
Let me back up.
I was not a part of the Riot Grrrl movement as it was born,
but I was a parent who was inspired by the relentless attention to power, to
consent, to self-empowerment.
In fact, fathering made me a feminist.
As a young
father with a newborn, I was served papers by the county of Santa Barbara to
officially notify me that I must “provide” for my child.I was served those papers, of course,
while I was rocking him in my arms, cleaning up the house I shared with my
girlfriend.The cop stood there,
scolding me that I should be out getting a job.At twenty-one, I said nothing back to him, afraid of his
power and authority.
Okay, I said and
shut the door.
But I was
fucking angry.I was a full time
student.So was my girlfriend. We
both had part time jobs.We took
turns doing what needed to get done; we switched it up when one of us got tired
of, say, balancing the checkbook (or more likely made too many mistakes).We argued and fought, but loved and
spent a lot of time focusing on what was important, our son.We sacrificed our autonomy or ability
to participate in things other 20 year olds were doing.
We were a tight,
angry fist of domesticity.
We struggled
with the decision to send our six week-old child to an illegal childcare center
that clearly had way too many children for one woman.
But we had no
other choice; she’s what we could afford.
Ironically, even
then, when I would walk up to drop him off the sitter would tell me I was
carrying him wrong.Time went on,
but the attitudes towards men as parents never seemed to change.
On the weekends,
I would bike around Santa Barbara with my son letting his mother sleep because
she was out till two in the morning selling roses to drinking partiers at the
bars along State Street.
Of course, I
will admit that balancing him, a year old baby, on the handle bars sans helmet
may not have been the smartest move a father could make.But the number of times I was told I
couldn’t parent was infuriating.I
was told I hadn’t dressed him properly, leaving home socks and shoes, or that I
knew nothing about his well being, despite being the one to take him to many
doctor’s appointments, or that I would hurt him or drop him, which I sometimes
did, but not because I was a man.
I was determined
to show them all wrong.
I took him a few
times to various classes during my first year at UCSB not because I had some
point to prove about young parents, but because I had no childcare and a number
of my teachers made no exceptions about attendance.
I remember
having to change him on one teacher’s desk after class, her face full of
disdain, her body recoiling; it was one of the most awkward yet proud moments
of my life.I didn’t then see the
irony in being so unwelcome with a child in that space.
Instead, at the
time, I apologized, backpedaled, afraid I was being disrespectful.I thought of my mother, doing the same
thing ten years earlier, telling me, a twelve year old, to stay in the car and
watch my brothers while she ran in to take her final test to pass some class
she was taking at the community college.
I realized then,
the strength she must have needed, a single mom, to continue her studies, to
persist despite the intense judgment society throws at parents, especially
poor, single moms on welfare like she was at the time.
Shit needed to
change.Even then, I wanted role
models.People unwilling to bend,
brazen, arrogant, relentless.
I was becoming
more radical in my politics trying to figure out my place in the world, my
mixed race heritage, my sense of class, and perhaps most profoundly my
definitions of manhood, of fatherhood, of gender.
How to relearn
gender?
After all I was
parenting a boy who would grow to be a man.
What kinda man
would he be?What kinda man was I?
The irony was I
began reading feminist theory in my classrooms and with my schoolmates, but I lived
it daily in my house with my girlfriend and my child.
My girlfriend
was a powerful, hardworking, woman from a poor background.She had that poverty mentality: work
yourself to the bone and never ask for handouts.But what was more stunning was that she had 100 percent
trust in me as a parent, as capable of soothing, calming, protecting, loving
our son.
She never
doubted even when I made mistakes.
No one else had
that kind of trust.
After two years
in Santa Barbara, we were leaving, heading for the Bay Area.For my last semester in the spring of
1992, I signed up for a Feminist Studies class; one of my last assignments was
to share with the class how the ideas we addressed might impact our daily
lives.It was a good assignment.
For it, I walked
in with my son, a diaper bag, filled with bottles and food.
This is how, I
said.
I got a B.
But another
student walked in with a bunch of zines, some 7 inches, and one bad attitude.
Riot Grrrl found
me.
It has stayed
with me all these years as I meandered through graduate school, as I reexamined
gender relations in my own relationships with women, as I became a father to
two girls, and as my children have grown up.
I was never a riot
grrrl but because of them I was forced to think closely about what I let my son
do at ten and what I let my daughters do at the same age.Because of Riot Grrrl, I challenged
myself to address sex in positive, open ways; I encouraged my son and my
daughters to speak with other adults in their lives if they couldn’t speak to
their mother or me.
Things can be
hard to discuss, but I want the courage to do it.
As I have
rediscovered Riot Grrrl while looking for things that might help my daughters
navigate their world today, I was reminded about their courage, their arrogance,
their fearlessness.
Because I know
that remaining silent, like Audre Lorde said, is dangerous; it’ll come back and
punch you in the mouth from the inside.
I know now what she
means by that; she means that what matters is communication, is taking those
risks to share the stories of who we are and what we believe.
So I work hard
to see my daughters both as young women and as individual people, not limited
to their gender, but not disconnected from it, to respect my children’s
autonomy and privacy as young people.
I am learning to let go of my kids and trust their power.
I am learning to keep on talking despite feeling
uncomfortable.
I am learning to listen to them.
I am still learning about myself through fathering.
Perhaps none of this is about sex education or being a man
in society today or about Riot Grrrl specifically; maybe it’s just the story of
one person simply learning to see himself and those around him as the complex
people they are: full of contradictions, fickle to a fault, sometimes brave,
sometimes inspired.
Trying to live a life worth living.
And of course, trying to hand my daughters condoms.
I have an exciting announcement for those of you who have wanted back issues of Rad Dad. Issues 1-10 will be gathered and re-released in all their newborn, toddler-like glory...if you order one of the first 50 copies, I'll through in the brand new Rad Dad mini-zine "Balls and Eyes, or how to talk to your kids about anarchism."
I'm on the road wrapping up an amazing tour of California with my co-editor Jeremy Adam Smith as well as a number of amazing mamas and papas who have come out to read and/or support each event!
I want to share with you all the news that Rad Dad has sold out of its first edition and is going to its second printing! Thank you!
The latest issue of the zine, Rad Dad 21: Occupy, is out now and has powerful stories about the occupy movements and kids as well as other personal pieces on parenting!
Finally, there is a new call for submissions for the next issue of Rad Dad, which is gonna focus on mistakes we have made (Bad Dad?) as well as the legacy of the Riot Grrl movement 20 years on...
We would like to have a number of events come Spring tentatively entitled Outta the Bookstores, Into the Parks and Streets. If you have suggestions on places to read where parents congregate, share it with us.
The new issue of the zine is due in December with stories from the Occupy Movement as well as good ol’ pieces on trying to parent in meaningful, conscientious ways...
Here are a couple good reviews of the book, which came out in September! Review 1, Review 2, Review 3.
And finally here is a list of the next few readings through the New Year. All information is also available on Facebook.
Please come out, say hi, stay in touch, and spread the word…
Rock, Paper, Scissors
2278 Telegraph Ave
Oakland
Saturday, November 5, 2011
7:00 pm
Readers: Tomas Moniz, Jeremy Adam Smith, Jeff Conant, Shawn Taylor, Craig Elliott
Russo's Books at The Marketplace
9000 Ming Ave # I4
Bakersfield
Thursday, November 10th, 2011
6:30 pm
Skylight Books
1818 N Vermont Ave (between Hollywood Blvd & Franklin)
It’s official! The Rad Dad Anthology will be out on August 1st. There will be a number of events this Fall to help celebrate the amazing and inspiring work that radical mamas and papas do day in and day out that has been the reason behind Rad Dad all these years. More events will be posted as they are confirmed.
The Avid Reader
617 2nd Street
Davis, CA
Wednesday, August 31 2011
7:30 pm
Special Guests: Tomas Moniz
San Francisco Zine Fest
San Francisco County Fair Building, in Golden Gate Park
Saturday and Sunday, September 3 & 4, 2011
All Day
Libertalia Autonomous Space
280 Broadway Room 200
Providence, RI
Friday September 16, 2011
3:30 pm
Special Guest: Tomas Moniz and Jeremy Adam Smith
Bluestockings
172 Allen Street
Manhattan, NY
Saturday, September17, 2011
7:30pm
Special Guest: Tomas Moniz, Jeremy Adam Smith, and Ayun Halliday
Brooklyn Bookfair
BROOKLYN BOROUGH HALL
209 JORALEMON STREET
Sunday, September18, 2011
All Day
Special Guest: Tomas Moniz and Jeremy Adam Smith
Woodenshoe Anarchist Collective
704 South Street
Philadelphia, PA
Monday, September 19, 2011
7:00 pm
Special Guest: Tomas Moniz and Jeremy Adam Smith
Positive Force
Washington, DC
Saturday, September 23, 2011
All Day
Special Guests: Tomas Moniz, Mark Anderson, and others
Baltimore Bookfair
600 BLOCK NORTH CHARLES STREET
Baltimore, MD
Sunday, September 24, 2011
All Day
Special Guests: Tomas Moniz
Modern Times
2919 24th St
San Francisco, CA
Thursday, September 29, 2011
7:00 pm
Readers: Tomas, Jeremy, Shawn
Reach And Teach
178 South Blvd
San Mateo, CA
Saturday, October 1, 2011
3:00 pm
Special Guest: Tomas Moniz and Jeremy Adam Smith
LitCrawl
Oddball Films, 250 Capp St
San Francisco, CA
Saturday, October 15, 2011
6:00 – 7:00
Readers: Tomas, Shawn,
Rock, Paper, Scissors
2278 Telegraph Ave
Oakland
Saturday, November 5, 2011
7:00 pm
Readers: Tomas, Jeremy
Russo's Books at The Marketplace
9000 Ming Ave # I4
Bakersfield
Thursday, November 10th, 2011
630 pm
Skylight Books
1818 N Vermont Ave (between Hollywood Blvd & Franklin)
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Nov 12
Saturday afternoon
We also have an event Jan 14th at Book Soup in LA.
It’s official! The Rad Dad Anthology will be out on August 1st. There will be a number of events this Fall to help celebrate the amazing and inspiring work that radical mamas and papas do day in and day out that has been the reason behind Rad Dad all these years. There will be a wonderful list of readers such as Ariel Gore in Portland, Nikki McClure and Sky Cosby in Olympia, Ayun Halliday in NYC. More events will be posted as they are confirmed.
Copperfield’s Books Sebastopol, CA Saturday, July 23, 2011 1:00pm Celebrating the release of Petals and Bones Zine
Timberland Regional Library Olympia, WA Wednesday, August 03, 2011 7:30 PM Special Guest: Nikki McClure, Sky Cosby and others
Richard Hugo House Seattle, WA Thursday, August 4, 2011 7:00pm Special Guest: Corbin Lewers,
Powell's City of Books on Burnside Portland, OR Friday, August 5th, 2011 7:30pm Special Guest: Ariel Gore
Zephyr Books Reno, NV Saturday, August 20, 2011 6:00 pm
Brooklyn Bookfair Brooklyn, NY Sunday, September 18, 2011 All Day
Bluestockings Manhattan, NY Sunday, September 18, 2011 7:30pm Special Guest: Ayun Halliday
Woodenshoe Anarchist Collective Philadelphia, PA Monday, September 19, 2011 7:00 pm
Baltimore Bookfair Baltimore, MD Sunday, September 24, 2011 All Day
The Avid Reader Davis, CA Wednesday, August 31, 2011 7:30 pm
Reach And Teach San Mateo, CA Saturday, October 1, 2011 3:00 pm
available right now from Microcosm is the latest issue of Rad Dad! Here's their review:
Hot on the heals of Rad Dad 19, we're excited to announce the release of issue 20! This issues features articles about special needs children, traditional Japanese grandparents, queer male allies, and an interview with Brian Heagney—the author, illustrator, and publisher of the kid's book, The ABCs of Anarchism. Some of this issue is learning lessons from your children—or even them teaching you lessons—and as always, Rad Dad is a forum and a source of hope that parents and children can one day be welcomed in radical spaces. This is important reading—vital stuff for parents and nonparents alike.
and following that there will be lots of readings and mini-zine tours and lots of fun...join us, read with us, write for us...
tentative events --
July 23rd in Santa Rosa
Aug 2 - 9 mini Northwest zine tour and Portland zine fest
Aug 28 - Sept 4th Bay Area zine tour and SF zine fest
Sept 18 - 26th Brooklyn bookfair, Philly reading, Baltimore bookfair
Upon first glance at the zine Rad Dad 18, I imagined a collection dedicated to fathers across America trying to stay hip and in-tune with their children, along with the misfires that come when attempting to translate young generational slang (i.e. the famous scene in 10 Things I Hate About You, when the father quips, “Those damn Dawson’s river kids, sleeping in each other’s beds and whatnot.”).
Luckily, that’s maybe 0.2 percent of it. This small zine, run by Tomas Moniz, covers topics from parenting and child nudity to open relationships and anti-breeding anarchists. Basically, if it’s a relationship or practice outside of the “norm,” it qualifies.
While some stories, by nature, proved more interesting and mysterious, like attempting polyamory after nine years of “dry monogamy,” the entire non-fiction collection, from start to finish, kept my full attention—so much that I stupidly missed a doctor’s appointment in the vigorous process.
Even as a person without any kids, I found myself relating to every article or using it as a preparation for, perhaps, a (daunting!) future of childbearing. For those with children, or non-traditional ways of living, I imagine it could provide a sense of compassion and understanding, the way a Sci-Fi convention might comfort the kid who only wears Trekkie outfits to class. The point is: relationships are weird, messy, and ever-evolving. The storytellers in Rad Dad 18 tackle this observation by sharing their insights and frustrations in a positive, healthy light while at the same time skillfully using elements of craft as a piece of compelling short fiction.
Instead of a magazine geared toward fathers, or even parents, it is one for, as Jason Gonzales beautifully said in his story, “Earth Abides,” “warriors committed to a multi-generational movement of positive change.” In sexual relationships, parental relationships, environmental relationships, and foremost, the relationships we keep with ourselves.
Hello everyone: next week is a Rad Dad mini east coast reading tour starting Monday in NYC with the amazing Ayun Halliday at Bluestockings 7pm, Wednesday afternoon in Providence at Libertalia Autonomous Space at 3pm, then Thursday evening 7pm at Ada Books in Providence, and finally in Boston at Papercut Zine Library at 7pm...please spread the word and stop on by!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
We will have a Rad Dad Release Party on March 26th at 7pm at Actual Cafe in Oakland. Please come say hello and pick up some copies of Rad Dad (and other zines - there will be a zine table), listen to two bands with papas in them (Team Nisto and Nomi), and hear a few radical parents read!
here's the first announcement of the tour that will happen between april 20th and april 29th...
set dates are:
NYC with ayun halliday and vikki law monday april 25th Bluestockings Providence with chelsea gunn and more thursday april 28th at Ada Books organized by Sine Cera Boston at friday april 29th at Papercut Zine Library
Parenting has taught me a lot about dealing with things I'd rather not deal with. I’ve been forced to breathe deeply and make the call to the doctor at three in the morning: um, my daughter won’t stop crying, and when the doctor asks why she’s crying, I’ve had to confess, well I kinda dropped her today.
That never feels good to admit to.
Or I’ve had to clench my mouth shut tightly and just let my daughter have her feelings, be disappointed, resist the urge to placate her, to try to “make” her feel better by saying something inane like, well your little ten year old friend is a dick.
Definitely, not good parental role modeling.
I’ve also learned to deal with larger, seemingly inhuman bureaucratic systems such as the school system with all its rules and policies that punish children for their parents’ choice or responsibilities. No, I don’t think it’s fair that my seventh grader gets an F in classes because I took her on a trip to see a sick relative. I’ve learned to face a police and justice system that views children as criminals first and people second.
Parenting has shown me that both the little things and big things in life can be sometimes daunting to face. As the saying goes, shit ain’t easy. Life is messy. People, messy. Friendship is work and commitment as well as fun and pleasurable. Just like parenting.
Sometimes I do wish I could just ignore things, overlook stuff I don’t really want to face, pretend I just didn’t know. Just go on with my everyday routine.
Parenting, however, has also demonstrated that there are the choices we need to make between letting some things slide while focusing on others.
My daughter’s arriving home ten minutes late after school might be ok now and then. I can raise an eyebrow and shrug off her, what, the bus was late, exasperated remark when I ask why she’s not on time. Because when she’s out at night and forgets to call when I explicitly explained that I expected her to, that ain’t something you can let slide. It’s something you have to address, and it’s difficult to hold her to the agreed upon consequences. It’s painful to hear her anger, her frustration, to be the target of her unmitigated teenage rage. And that shit’s scary.
So parenting has taught me how to stand firm and also that some things are negotiable, that there’s a balance between holding your child accountable and creating transparency in your agreements.
Let me stop stalling.
A friend of mine was arrested for domestic violence. There’s a story there. There are reasons for his anger and even empathy around the whole situation: towards him, towards his partner. The whole affair is sad. It’s painful. In the end, perhaps it will all be for the best for both of them and their kids.
But there is no excuse for violence in a relationship.
None.
Ever.
The crisis is over. She’s moved out of their home. They have a routine set up. Things are almost back to normal. People in my circle of friends are even joking about it.
And that is what bothers me, what makes me uncomfortable.
I started to ask around: what is my role? How do I address this with my daughters? How to be a true friend?
I don’t want to be the one to constantly bring it up every time I see him, but I also don’t want a ‘business as usual’ type friendship, a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ relationship because that is so much easier: if I don’t know about it, I guess I don’t have to make any tough choices.
I remember when the Chris Brown and Rhianna incident occurred. I immediately talked to my kids about it, especially my youngest daughter who was very into both of them. I asked how they felt about hearing the news. I didn’t want to let this opportunity slip: a chance to address the unacceptability of domestic violence, to establish a clear ‘zero-tolerance’ policy. Some things can slide; physical and emotional abuse can’t.
Chris Brown was ostracized; we as a family severed ties with him and his music. And the cool thing is most of the population did as well. His musical career seems to be over.
But what to do with my friend?
Soon after all this happened, I spoke with another friend of mine, a woman, a person who had been in an abusive relationship in the past, and she gave me some advice I hold dearly now. She said when she was going through it, that she wished people would have done something, anything. She looked at me and stated: sometimes doing the wrong thing is better than doing nothing.
I understood immediately that that was why I was so uncomfortable. I could see how easy doing nothing could have been. Denial is powerful. But as parenting has taught me some things can’t slide and so sometimes you just gotta grin and bear it. You have to face it.
I want to thank my kids for making me learn this lesson.
I knew I needed to talk to him before he moved off the block, so one night when he came over to borrow something, I did.
We stood out on my stoop, and we talked. First I expressed my anger and disappointment. Then I expressed my dilemma. I told him I knew it would be work, but that I wanted to be the kind of friend who is wiling to both stand up for someone and to hold them accountable. I expressed my concerns about how he was taking responsibility for his actions.
I did however acknowledge that I had no answers, only questions. But I told him I’m willing to struggle to find those answers with him, together.
We hugged, and he left.
A few days later, I raised the subject again with my daughters and my twenty-year-old son who was visiting. We all had talked about it here and there, and I know they have heard me and their mother and other friends talking about the incident. Arguing over it. Gossiping about it. In fact, my youngest daughter and I saw the cop cars in front of their house when it happened and I said to her almost in jest, I hope that’s not what I think it is. I cringe thinking about how uncritical a statement that is in regards to domestic abuse. I feel like I should apologize to her over my seeming ambivalence.
So we were all sitting around the table, my two daughters and my son eating dinner. I didn’t have a script or a point, I just wanted to be honest with them. I confessed, I am angry that I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like a hypocrite singing that song about Chris Brown needing to get his ass kicked after what he did, and yet when it happens on my street I’m at a loss as to what I should do. Just because I’m a friend with someone doesn’t mean they’re not accountable, you know.
You know it’s not your fault dad, my youngest says, like I’m acting foolish.
Getting chastised by your kids is another thing you learn how to deal with from parenting.
I know, I said, I just don’t want to sweep this under the rug. Domestic violence whether it’s emotional or physical is never ok. No matter what.
I was looking at my two daughters like I’m telling them that they should never stand for it, when I realized my son was sitting right there. Looking at me. I looked at him.
I realized I haven’t had a conversation like this in a while, talking about sex education was one thing, talking domestic violence another.
My son shook his head up and down slowly.
I know dad, he said I know, and he looked me in the eye, that shit is totally fucked up.
And he meant it.
It was one of the most reassuring moments in my life. I realize then that what had also been bothering me was talking with my son about it. It’s strange to love this young person so much, and for years feeling like I could control his actions. Now he stands taller than me, muscular, lean, a man, and I have no control over anything anymore in his life (well except for kicking in money for his rent), and yet I still have such expectations of him. And he may let me down in the future, may make mistakes in relationships. But one thing I think he knows is that domestic abuse is a line you don’t cross.
Hearing him say that with such conviction, without equivocation in front of his sisters was a profound moment for me.
Thank you, I said.
And we all kind of went on to other things.
As the weeks pass, I bring it up with my daughters now and then. My middle child now has a boyfriend. And I see how quickly I will have no control in her life too. It’s hard to let go. But I’m gonna do it. With love and with encouragement and with trust.
They taught me that.
This issue of Rad Dad is dedicated to all those who are victims of violence: at the hands of the police, of bullies, of their own family.
I promise you I will never look the other way.
I promise you I will do something whether it’s the right thing or not at the time.
